Loss
by Barbara
Summary: Warning- Death story! Liam's reaction to the death of someone close to him.


Loss

By Barbara

Disclaimer:  They ain't mine.  I wish they were, but they belong to someone else.

*****************

Liam was busy trying to work his way through old Liberation files left behind in the Lair when the call came.  His global rang shrilly, startling him.  Pulling it off his belt, he moved to a location where the background would be a rather innocuous wall rather than the complex Resistance computer system before opening it.  He was expecting Renee, or maybe Agent Sandoval, as very few others ever called him.  So he was surprised to see Dr. Curzon on the screen.

"Liam," she started, her eyes sad, "Agent Sandoval died a few minutes ago."

"How?" was all he managed to choke out.

Looking furtively away from the screen, she replied, "A stroke.  The CVI apparently caused severe problems to his brain function.  The Volunteers brought him here immediately after his collapse, but there was nothing we could do.  He never regained consciousness."

"His CVI killed him?  But… they don't _do things like that," he said with a lost sounding tone in his voice._

"Liam, no one knows the effects of a long-term CVI.  The Taelons certainly didn't expect the motivational imperative to break down.  That clearly shows they didn't know precisely how a CVI with interact with a person's brain chemistry."

"Why didn't you call me before he….died?" he asked plaintively.

Dr. Curzon sighed, but remained silent as she apparently walked into a different room, presumably one without prying eyes and nosy ears.  Liam almost didn't notice the lengthy silence.  He did notice her saying to someone, "Do you mind?  This is a private call."

Finally she replied, "Liam, there were Volunteers everywhere.  If I had called you, do you really think you could have held it together when he died?  You know the questions your apparent concern about him would raise.  The Volunteers would have wanted to know why I called you."  She paused, then added, "There wasn't time anyway.  I worked on him from the minute him came through the doors to when we pronounced time of death."  She looked sadly at Liam, and added, "Liam, he wouldn't have known you were here even if you had come.  He was unconscious when he came in the ER, and never regained consciousness afterward."

"The only reason I'm the one telling you now is that I convinced the Volunteer captain to let me call you and inform you that you were head Protector now.  I told him you might have questions about Agent Sandoval's death that I could best answer."

She lowered her voice and added, "I don't know how well I convinced him.  It was Captain Fernando.  You remember… you mentioned him several days ago as a suspicious, dangerous officer that I should be careful around.  I hope I diverted any suspicion from you."  She paused, and looked sadly at Liam.  "Liam, I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know you cared for him….  I'm sorry."

Liam nodded, sadly.  "Thank you.  What will happen to his body?" he choked out.

"I don't know.  I don't think he has any other relatives.  I assume the Volunteers will take care of it."  She said questioningly.

"I'll take care of it," he said decisively.  "I'll talk to you later."  And with that he signed off.

Liam wanted to sit down and cry, but he couldn't… not yet.  He had to hold it together for a little longer.  First he had to deal with Sandoval's…his father's body.  He didn't want the Taelons to have it and use it in some of their experiments.  

Remembering that Dr. Curzon had mentioned Captain Fernando as being at the hospital, Liam called him.

"Captain Fernando, Dr. Curzon has just informed me of Agent Sandoval's death," he started without any preliminaries.  "What do you intend to do with his body?"  He managed to maintain an implacable mask reminiscent of Sandoval.

The captain seemed surprised to see him.  "I wasn't sure, sir.  The records show he had no living relatives.  I thought the Taelons might…"

Liam interrupted with, "I'll take care of his funeral, Captain.  The Taelons don't have to."  He noticed the look of surprise at that statement that Captain Fernando wasn't quick enough to hide.  The verbal duels between himself and Sandoval were legend among the Volunteers, with the more interesting quotes from them repeated endlessly.  "Despite my… altercations with Agent Sandoval, I respected him.  He was a fine Protector.  I want to make sure he's buried appropriately."

"Very well, sir," Fernando replied with an inquisitive look still present on his face.  Clearly, Liam's statement left much to be desired, in his opinion.  "We'll leave the body at the hospital."

"Very well.  Inform Zo'or of Agent Sandoval's death and that I will return to work tomorrow after making the arrangements."  With that he signed off, and collapsed onto a nearby sofa.

Setting the global listlessly down next to him, he finally allowed his emotions to surface from the box he had shoved them into when he had heard the news of his father's death.

He raised his hands to his face and pressed them against his cheeks as he began to cry.  "Father, why?  Why did you have to die?  I wasn't ready for you to die."  His voice quavered.  "Why?!  I never even got to tell you the truth about me.  I wanted to so badly at times, but I was afraid… and now it's too late.  It's too late to say anything.  It's too late to tell you I love you, despite everything you've done to me and to my friends.  It's too late to say that I care about you.  It's just too late for everything!!!"  He collapsed back against the sofa, his head pressed against its back as tears streamed down his face.  "Why?  Oh, God, why?!"  He sobbed.  "I didn't want him to die.  I know I wished that he wasn't as good at hunting down Resistance cells as he was, but I never wanted him dead!" he beseeched the heavens.  "Why did you take him from me?  I'm too young to lose all my parents.  It's just not FAIR!  I wasn't ready for him to go!"

With that, he collapsed forward, arms wrapped around himself as he leaned forward as if to make himself as small as possible.  He began rocking slowly back and forth as he cried.

Slowly the sobs lessened as his initial grief was spent.  He turned sideways, curling up on the sofa as he cried himself to sleep.

*******

He awoke with a headache… and a soaking wet pillow.  His eyes remained dry, though, as he thought of all the things that needed to be accomplished now.  He needed to call a funeral home, get a cemetery plot, someplace he could visit often… perhaps next to Siobhan.  But first he had to discover if Sandoval had made a will.

No, first he had to call a funeral home to pick up Sandoval's body.  Finding out if he had a will might take a lot of time.

Liam pulled out his global and swiftly went through the listings for funeral homes, finally picking one that indicated it would ship coffins through the portal system to any location desired.  The home had several positive comments listed as well.  Clicking on the name of the funeral home he had decided on, a man's face appeared.  It was a rugged face, that of a man a person could confide in.

"This is Mr. Williams with Reynolds Funeral Home.  How may I help you?" the man inquired politely.

"My name is Major Liam Kincaid.  I'm arranging the funeral of Agent Sandoval.  I'd like the service to be at your funeral home.  His body is at Washington General," Liam replied, trying not to show any emotion.

"Of course.  It will take a couple of days to prepare the body for viewing.  Was there an autopsy?"

"I believe so," Liam replied tightly.

"We can retrieve the body after the autopsy.  We can do wonders." Mr. Williams smiled slightly.  "Don't worry, he'll look just like he did when he was alive."

"Thank you."

"We'll need some of his favorite clothes to bury him in.  You also need to pick out a gravesite and place an obituary in the papers so that people will be able to come to the funeral.  If you can send us the obituary, we'll take care of having it posted in the relevant papers," he said compassionately.  He looked closely at Liam and added, " Were you close to Agent Sandoval?  This can be a difficult time for close friends and family."

"We were colleagues, nothing more," Liam replied stiffly, hiding his shock that someone had seen his actual feelings.

"Of course.  If you could get the obituary to us sometime today or tomorrow, we'll take care of it."

"Thank you.  I'll try to get it done quickly.  I hope to give you the burial site tomorrow."  With that Liam signed off and grabbed a tissue as the tears he had been holding back by sheer force of will rolled down his cheeks.  It shouldn't have surprised him that Mr. Williams had recognized his feelings for Sandoval- they were written all over his face- in the red-rimmed eyes that looked so devastated, in the puffiness that came from crying, and in the sad look he couldn't hide.  He was going to have to come up with an explanation for any Volunteers who saw him.  Perhaps he would claim to be sick. _I am sick, after all- or depressed at least._

Liam thought for a moment about what the funeral director had said.  Clothing his father had liked- that was simple- one of his many suits.  An obituary though. That was much harder.  What could he say about his father?  Still maybe his father had planned for this too and had an obituary prepared.  He could hope, because he didn't think he could cope with having to write it himself.  It would be just like his father, to have one prepared because he wouldn't trust anyone else to write something nice about him.

As for the will, there were two likely places for him to have put one, assuming he had made one.  A safety deposit box in a bank or with a law firm.  In either case, there would be regular payments to the firm or bank in question.  And hopefully those payments could be tracked.  This wasn't going to be easy though.  He didn't know the name of the law firm or of the bank so he would be looking for a needle in a very large haystack.  That was assuming that he could even hack into Sandoval's financial records.  They were bound to be well protected.

While it wouldn't really have seemed likely for a man less than forty to have a will, Liam knew Sandoval's near death from CVI breakdown a couple of years ago had been a wakeup call to the agent.  And while the immediate CVI replacement would have prevented creation of a will, the MI's subsequent breakdown combined with his near death in the hospital made it likely that he had made a will.  It was a good question who would be the beneficiary though.  Sandoval had no close living relatives, with the exception of his wife, who hated his guts, and a son he knew nothing about.  But that wasn't important right now.  What was important was finding out _if he had a will to begin with._

Liam headed to the computer system, grabbing the Kleenex box along the way.  He had learned a great deal about hacking both from Augur and Street and from his father's memories, but that didn't mean that he was a good enough hacker to make it into Sandoval's financial records.  Those were sure to be located behind several firewalls.  But if he couldn't reach them, maybe Street could.  He didn't want to ask her, but he would if he had to.

As he sat down at the computer, intellectually Liam knew he was making work for himself to keep from thinking about his father's death.  Law firms generally kept track of who died, and from the hospital records would be able to get his name as the person in charge of the funeral.  It wouldn't be that difficult for them to find out he was taking care of the expenses.  He didn't know, though, if they monitored the news net or just checked the obits.  If Sandoval had wanted to be buried somewhere in particular, finding that out after the grave had been bought and the cemetery listed in the obituary would make things complicated.

And so he tried to hack Sandoval's files.  After a couple of hours, he tried instead to hack into bank records to see if Sandoval was listed as a customer.

*****************

After several fruitless hours of hacking, and the retrieval of a second box of Kleenex when the first had run out, Liam's global rang, startling him.  For a moment his mind went blank as he tried to recognize the sound being made.  He had been so deep into his hacking that he hadn't recognized the sound of the global.

He opened his global to find a well-dressed older man.

"Major Kincaid?" the man queried.

"Yes," Liam replied slowly, wondering who this was.

"I'm Allen Schuster, with the law firm of Pendleton, Rafferty, and Schuster.  I'm calling in regards to Agent Sandoval.  I understand from the hospital records that you will be taking care of the funeral arrangements."

"Yes," Liam replied, a small hope building in his heart that this was Sandoval's law firm, and that they knew where he had wanted to be buried and what he had wanted in the obituary.

"We handled Mr. Sandoval's accounts.  He left all his important documents with us, including his will, and requests for disposition of his body.  If you could come to our offices, we could discuss things further.  When would be a good time?"

Liam sighed, he had been right about the law firm. "I'll be right over.  Where are you located?"  After getting directions and signing off, Liam turned to the computer system to shut down his search.  No need for it now.  His father had indeed thought ahead to his death and planned for it.

****************

Less than an hour later, Liam walked into the office of Mr. Schuster, the attorney for his father.  The office was spacious, and high up the building affording a good view of the Mall with the Taelon Embassy in the far background.  Schuster came out into his secretary's office to show Liam in when he was informed of Liam's arrival.  

"I'm pleased to meet you, Major Kincaid.  Ron had a lot to say about you."

"Mostly bad, I assume," Liam replied with a faint half-hearted grin.  He couldn't imagine his father saying _good things about him to anyone._

"On the contrary, he thought very highly of you."  The attorney watched in concern as that statement seemed to stop Liam in his tracks.

The idea that his father had thought well of him was so startling to Liam that his face went white, and he stopped moving abruptly.  Reaching blindly around, Liam found a chair and collapsed into it.

"Are you all right?" Mr. Schuster asked with concern.

Liam shook his head as if to clear it.  "I'm fine," he replied.  _I can't act this careless, he thought.  __If I'm not careful, someone will notice how I really feel about father and start wondering, he berated himself.  "Well, not quite fine, but close enough.  I think I'm coming down with something," he added, trying to keep the attorney from making the obvious conclusion._

Liam noticed the uncertain look on the attorney's face, as if he didn't quite believe that statement as the attorney responded, "Well, if you're sure you're…"

To which Liam reiterated, "I'm fine.  Why did you want to see me?"

"Well, as I was saying Mr. Sandoval thought fairly highly of you."  He smiled suddenly.  "Actually, it's good that you're sitting down.  He left his entire fortune, minus some minor bequests to friends, to you."  He paused, and added, "You're now a multi-millionaire."

"I'm what!?"  Liam asked with a startled yelp.

"A multi-millionaire," Schuster repeated.  An understanding look spread across his face.  "You didn't know you were his heir, did you?  He never told you about his will?"

The amazed look on Liam's face answered his question before Liam's reply.  "I had no idea.  He never mentioned a thing about it."

"Well, actually, the will leaves the bulk of his estate to and I quote 'the man currently known as Major Liam Kincaid'.  I thought that was a strange way to phrase it, but he insisted.  Do you have any idea why?" he asked, with an inquiring look on his face.

It was clear the question had been bugging the attorney for some time, and that Sandoval had never given an explanation, but Liam wasn't about to explain either.  "I have no idea why he phrased it that way.  Maybe it was a joke," he said trying to laugh it off.  He knew it wasn't a joke, but he hadn't thought Sandoval had remembered that statement, or more accurately, had thought, or hoped, that Sandoval had believed his later explanation.

*****************

_Liam had been getting royally drunk.  Siobhan had just died, and he hadn't been able to prevent it.  It was his first close death, and the pain had been getting to him.  Sandoval was also in the bar, and several other Companion Protectors had left earlier and drinking several rounds to her memory._

_Sandoval had lifted a glass and said, "To Siobhan.  May she rest in peace," before gulping it down._

_Liam had raised his drink with Sandoval and thrown it back easily.  He was feeling no pain by this point.  After his drink had been refilled, he had raised his glass, "To Liam Kincaid.  May he rest in peace."  He tossed back the drink and ever so slowly collapsed forward onto the table and started snoring._

_When he'd come into work the next day, sporting a massive hangover, he had seen the speculative look in Sandoval's eyes, quickly explained with his first statement.  "Major, are you all right? Last night you sounded more than a little confused.  Toasting yourself?  You're not dead, after all, now are you?"_

Shit_, Liam thought.  He'd almost forgotten about that.  What could he say to divert suspicion?  His hangover was making any coherent thought difficult, which was undoubtedly the reason Sandoval had approached him now- hoping to elicit information he wouldn't have given out when he was thinking clearly.  Luckily, the Kimera side of his heritage seemed to help with that._

_"I was drunk, Sandoval," Liam replied curtly.  "Extremely drunk.  As far as I remember, I was thinking….hell, I'm not sure what I was thinking," he prevaricated as he desperately tried to think of a reason, other than the real one, that he would say Liam Kincaid was dead.  "Something about wishing I was dead with her, or that if I was dead it wouldn't hurt that much.  I don't remember exactly.  I was depressed."_

_"And now, Major?  You're not still feeling suicidal, are you?"_

You'd like that wouldn't you?_ Liam thought.  An easy way to get rid of me__. "I'm all right.  It was just the liquor talking."_

_Sandoval had let the subject go, but Liam had always wondered if it was because he believed Liam or because he thought Liam was feeling depressed about all the times Sandoval had tried to kill him._

************************

Now, he discovered that he clearly hadn't succeeded as well as he'd hoped in convincing Sandoval it had been depression talking.

The attorney didn't look too happy with Liam's explanation, but didn't say anything further.  "Mr. Sandoval appointed me executor of his will.  I'll take care of filing the paperwork for his life insurance policies.  He had several of those, totally over $500,000.  He also left a message for you," he added hesitantly.  "He hoped it would explain some things."  Schuster walked over to his desk and picked up a small round disk.  Walking back over to Liam, he handed it over.  "He suggested it was a personal message.  I imagine you want to view it privately.  I'll be back in a few minutes."  With that the attorney stepped out of the office, leaving Liam alone.

Liam looked at the message chip in dread.  He wasn't sure he wanted to know what was in the message.  He was afraid his father had known of their relationship the entire time, and had still acted as badly toward Liam as he had.  Liam wasn't certain he could cope with the idea that his father had knowingly inflicted such pain on a person he knew to be his son.  He couldn't imagine any other reason than Sandoval knowing the truth for him to leave his money to Liam.  What other reason could there be?  After all, Sandoval didn't appear to like him that much, so why else would he have left the bulk of his fortune to a man he seemed to despise?

But he couldn't not watch it either.  It was his last message from his father.  With a feeling of dread he placed the disk into the slot in his global  The image of his father formed on the small screen, and a blinking message appeared, asking him if he wanted to play the recording.  Almost reluctantly, Liam pressed yes.

Rather surprisingly, the message did not begin to immediately play.  Instead, a second message appeared "Voiceprint required."  Liam sighed, but spoke his name for the voiceprint.  Clearly Sandoval had not wanted just anyone listening to his message.

The message finally began.

"Hello, Liam," Sandoval said quietly.  Liam blinked hard to keep from crying as the image of his father appeared on the screen.  He had recorded the message while seated at a table of some sort.  As he always was, he was dressed in a crisp clean suit.

"I imagine you're fairly surprised by the fact that you're my heir."  Sandoval smiled slightly at that statement.  "There are a couple of logical reasons for it, though.  The first is because you're a loyal, honest, honorable man… the kind of man I was once.  And I suppose that was part of why I acted as badly toward you as I did, because you reminded me of what I had been, and could never be again.  I wanted my money to go to someone who would use it to make up for all the evil I've done."  

Liam just stared at his father's image in disbelief.  His father had thought him honest, loyal, and honorable?  He had never gotten that impression from Sandoval.  In fact, he had thought Sandoval despised him- or at least disliked him- though he supposed a person could dislike someone and still see their good qualities.

He paused.  "I can see that look in your eyes.  You're surprised that I categorized what I've done as evil.  You shouldn't be.  I'm not a heartless monster, though the Taelons did their best to try to make me into one.  I'm just a man overcome by circumstances beyond his control.  I've done a lot of evil things, things that no one can forgive, but I've done them with one reason in mind-- to destroy the Taelons who destroyed my life.  And if I can destroy the Taelons, my soul seems a small price to pay."

Liam opened his mouth, wanting to tell his father he forgave him for the evil he had done, but closed it with a growl.  Nothing he said would make any difference now- his father was dead.

Sandoval smiled suddenly.  "The only reason I'm being so honest with you is because you're not here to argue with me.  I'm dead.  That means I don't have to hear you try to convince me that I can still be the person I was before the CVI.  I can't be that person.  I've done too much to ever be that person again.  I know this recording will make you think that I was redeemable, that if you'd tried harder I would have changed."  His expression changed to a sober one.  "But you don't know all the evil I did under the control of the CVI.  I can't forget the pain I caused under the Taelons' control.  I know you won't believe me, but in this case the ends justify the means."

I do know the evil you did under your CVI, and I still thought you were redeemable, father.  Why didn't you?  D@mn it, father!  Why didn't you tell me know you felt?

Sandoval looked uncomfortable for a moment, and shifted slightly in his chair several times as if being stared at.  The fidgeting surprised Liam- who had never seen his father fidget before- and it made him wonder what he was going to say next.  "But there's another reason I appointed you my heir."  He took a deep breath, and baldly stated, "I want you to find my son for me."

Liam's mouth dropped open at that statement.  It was something he had never expected to hear.  His father _wanted_ him.  His father was looking for him.  But… did he know his son was a hybrid?  And would he have wanted him then?

With a pensive look, Sandoval continued, "I'm not sure if that comes as a surprise to you or not.  At times I think you know of my son and perhaps even know him personally, and at times I'm convinced you know nothing about him.  Which I suppose, is another part of the reason I've treated you so badly at times.  At times, I thought you knew who my son was and were hiding him from me.  The thought that you were hiding something I wanted so badly from me was infuriating, and I took out my anger on you.  I'm sorry for that."  Liam shook his head in sadness.  _We misunderstood each other so badly, father.  If only we had sat down one day and truly talked- think how different things would have been.  _A small smile graced Sandoval's face as he added, "Though if you did know who my son was, I'm not sure how sorry I am.  I suppose it would depend on why you didn't tell me."

Because I was afraid of you, father- that's the main reason I never told you.  That and I was afraid you still wouldn't like me even when you knew I was your son- that would have destroyed me.  But from what you've said today, I no longer think that you hated me.

In any event, when I was in the hospital, my life was saved by an anonymous blood donation.  Dr. Curzon said the blood came from my son… a son I didn't know existed.  I've looked everywhere for him.  He isn't in the DNA database, and I can't find any record that anyone I was with had a boy in a timeframe that could make him mine."  He sighed in exasperation.  "I've searched everywhere I can, and found no trace.  It's as if he didn't exist."

"I'm asking you to find him for me.  I never had a chance to meet him or get to know him, but I'd like him to know me.  When you find him, please give him my photo albums and anything else you think he might want.  Tell him about me, please."

"I'm not sure how you feel about me.  You have every reason to hate me, but you are honorable enough that I don't think you'd teach my son to hate me.  I'm not asking you to lie to him- just be fair in your description.  You're one of the few who would be."

"There's a couple of reasons why I think you'll be able to find him when I haven't.  The first is your contacts.  You have contacts in places," he paused for a second, "and with organizations that I don't."  Liam's breath caught as he realized that Sandoval had known of his Resistance connections despite all their precautions… and hadn't told anyone.  His father hadn't betrayed him to the Taelons.

"The second reason also has to do with those organizations.  I can only think of two reasons why my son's DNA is not on file.  The first is that his mother was so scared of me that she hid and hid the child… which means that's she's likely Resistance or a Resistance sympathizer."

"But there's another reason my son's DNA might not be on file, one that may make even more sense.  Dr. Curzon said my son's DNA had some gene sequences in it that the analyzer couldn't process.  I think it couldn't process them because my son is a Taelon hybrid.  I couldn't find any evidence of it in the Taelon databases, but the information might have been purged.  I know the Taelons have DNA samples of all their implants, and they've done enough experimentation I wouldn't be surprised if they tried to create their own soldiers using that DNA.   It would explain why how my son was big enough to give two pints of blood, why his DNA wasn't on file, and why he never told me."  Sandoval sighed and looked troubled at that last statement.  "He was afraid of me and I can't say I blame him.  He was afraid I would turn him back over to the Taelons for experimentation.  After all, he wouldn't know my MI was non-functional.  And if he was a Taelon experiment, the most likely way for him to have gotten out was with help from the Resistance.  So again, your contacts would be very useful."

Liam bit his lip.  Sandoval had gotten close with that last description- very close.  But did this mean his father wouldn't have turned him in if he knew the truth?  That had always been one of the primary reasons Liam hadn't told his father the truth- that and the fear that Sandoval had hated him.  But now both of those fears had been assuaged.  If only he had know this when his father was still alive!

I know you'll find him.  I'm not going to insult you by suggesting you won't- you're too good at what you do.  But when you find him, I'd like half of my money to go to him.  Considering your apparent disregard for money, I don't think that'll be a problem for you.  I can't risk putting any of this in the will- I don't want anyone to be able to use him or abuse him because of me.  I'm not ashamed of having a son, but I am afraid that if his relationship to me were publicly known, people who hated me would hurt him."

He paused.  "Please protect him from those who hate me.  What I've done is not my son's fault, and he shouldn't suffer for it.  Don't let them hurt him because of me."

"I've left two recordings with Allen Schuster.  Both are for my son.  The circumstances surrounding his hiding will determine which one you give him.  The first was recorded with the assumption that his guardians are the ones who hid him from me.  The second assumes I was right and that he is a hybrid, and that's why he's hidden from me.  When you find my boy, give him whichever seems more appropriate."

"One final thing.  Allen knows about my son.  He's one of my few friends left from my days in the FBI.  I trust him with my life, but you'll have to make the decision on whether you can trust him with your secrets.   He knows what I suspect about you, but he won't tell anyone, and he won't ask questions- though I can't guarantee he won't think them," he added with a smile.

"Thank you for doing this for me, Liam.  I wish we could have been friends."  With that the message ended.


End file.
